Subject: OVO-LACTO: Five Minute Warning cookbook (breakfasts)
"the complete 5 minute warning cookbook":
"Original Flavor": 3 handfuls of boiled brown rice. add 2 tablespoons butter,
4 tlbsn dry milk, 3 tblspn vanilla yogurt, 1/2 cup milk, and 1 handful raisin
and 1 tblsn peanut butter, all over low heat. remove, stir in 1 handful peanutsand 1 handful granola.
note: forget about packing a lunch for work after eating this.
warning: make sure the bathroom is not occupied before consumption of above.
"The Belly Bomber Extraordinaire": substitute oatmeal in part or in whole for
rice. add more peanut butter and granola, plus 2 tblsn riccota cheese, 1 egg
white, 1/2 handful sunflower seeds, and 1 teaspoon honey. substitute more
yogurt in place of less milk.
note: egg white will cook sufficiently in under 1 minute during the low heat
step.
waring: most of the differences in the "BBE" version are designed to produce
a stickier product. make sure to have copious amounts of ice-cold milk handy.
"Light Warning": substitute: margarine for butter, nonfat lite vanilla yogurt
for regular yogurt, nonfat milk for milk, almonds for peanuts, and 86 the
peanut butter and all the extras in the "BBE".
hint: can still make a delicious product with half the calories, just add a
tiny dash of vanilla extract during the low heat step, and serve with
cinammon to taste!
PHILOSOPHY BEHIND THE 5 MINUTE WARNING LEGEND:
it is our goal to produce a product that is maximally satisfying for the longestpossible period of time. a good "jethro bowl" full of warning, when consumed
rapidly with a tablespoon, should give the consumer the sensation that his
innards are being sprayed full of foam insulation, and that all previous
contents are about to be forcibly evicted therefrom, with all the force and
violence of an hydraulic jackhammer. warning is sticky and addictively tasty,
with a smooth, almost puffy texture. it should never be too grainy in texture,
nor taste too watery/dry or bland. the appropriate toilet experience should
be more akin to giving birth to a water buffalo than to any routine morning
defacatory practices. warning is not so much a recipe as it is an attitude
towards breakfasting. warning is not for those weak-kneed vaguely effemintate
dukakis fans whose idea of breakfast is tea and toast. no, warning harkens
back to a time when men were men and had much manly work to do. the viking
who made sure to have extra helpings of porridge before the big raping and
pillaging foray. the swiss woodsman, who, stoked properly with meusli, could
ski up and down the mountains tirelessly all day. the cowboy, who wouldn't
think of spending the day on horseback without a breakfast of eggs, bacon,
and great bowls of oatmeal slathered with butter and sugar. the bottom line
is this: it doesn't matter WHAT you put in 5 minute warning. As long as you
get the desired effects described above, you will be buying into the same
great and ancient tradition that has enabled the free world to prevail over
